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Funny Quotes about Life | Funny thoughts about Life

Funny thoughts about Life , Funny Quotes about Life

 

 

When a thing is funny, search it for a hidden truth.
- George Bernard Shaw

Life is like a ten speed bicycle.
Most of us have gears we never use.
- Charles M. Schulz

A cynic is a man who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.
- Oscar Wilde

It is better to be thought a fool, than to open one's mouth and remove all doubt.
- Mark Twain

History is the version of past events that people have decided to agree upon.
- Napoleon Bonaparte

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living; the world owes you nothing; it was here first.
- Mark Twain

Get the facts first. You can distort them later.
- Mark Twain

God writes a lot of comedy... the trouble is, he's stuck with so many bad actors who don't know how to play funny.
- Garrison Keillor

When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.
- Mark Twain

Funny Life Quotes

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.
- Bob Hope

A difference of opinion is what makes horse racing and missionaries.
- Will Rogers

A friend is someone who will bail you out of jail.
A best friend is the one sitting next to you saying "boy was that fun."
- The Maugles

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.
- Winston Churchill

Funny Quotes on Life

Everyone should have at least two friends - one to talk to and one to talk about.
- Anonymous

Families are like fudge... mostly sweet with a few nuts.
- Anonymous

Fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life, son.
- National Lampoon's Animal House (1978)

Forget love... I'd rather fall in chocolate.
- Anonymous

Friends are like bras:
close to your heart and there for support.
- Anonymous

Friendship is like money, easier made than kept.
- Samuel Butler

Gentlemen, you can't fight in here! This is the War Room. 
- Dr. Strangelove (1964)

Getting married is a lot like getting into a tub of hot water. After you get used to it, it ain't so hot.
- Minnie Pearl

God writes a lot of comedy... the trouble is, 
he's stuck with so many bad actors who don't know how to play funny.
- Garrison Keillor

Good friends, good books and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life.
- Mark Twain

Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.
- Benjamin Franklin

The only thing to do with good advice is to pass it on. It is never of any use to oneself. 
- Oscar Wilde

Whenever you find you are on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.
- Mark Twain

Minds are like parachutes. They only function when they are open.
- James Dewar

When a thing is funny, search it for a hidden truth.
- George Bernard Shaw

Blessed is the man who, having nothing to say, abstains from giving us wordy evidence of the fact.
- George Eliot

The only fool bigger than the person who knows it all is the person who argues with him.
- Stanislaw Jerszy Lec

Funny Quotes

A lifelong friend is someone you haven't borrowed money from yet.
- Anonymous

A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small bundle.
- Benjamin Franklin

A remark generally hurts in proportion to its truth.
- Will Rogers

A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg
even though he knows that you are slightly cracked.
- Bernard Meltzer

A wedding is just like a funeral except that you get to smell your own flowers.
- Grace Hansen

A woman in love can't be reasonable - or she probably wouldn't be in love.
- Mae West

Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't
. -Erica Jong

All people know the same truth.
Our lives consist of how we choose to distort it.
- Woody Allen (Harry Block - Deconstructing Harry - 1997)

Always listen to the experts.
They'll tell you what can't be done and why.
Then do it.
- Robert Heinlein

An old friend will help you move. A good friend will help you move a dead body.
- Jim Hayes

Apology is only egotism wrong side out. 
- Oliver Wendell Holmes

Bad taste is simply saying the truth before it should be said.
- Mel Brooks

Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for.
- Will Rogers

Blessed is the man who, having nothing to say,
abstains from giving us wordy evidence of the fact.
- George Eliot

Children aren't happy with nothing to ignore, 
and that's what parents were created for.
- Ogden Nash

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
- Mark Twain

Crazy is walking down the street with half a cantaloupe on your head, muttering; "I'm a hamster, I'm a hamster."
- Spy Hard (1996)

Do not marry a man to reform him. That is what reform schools are for.
- Mae West

Do the right thing. It will gratify some people and astonish the rest.
- Mark Twain

Don't let schooling interfere with your education.
- Mark Twain

Don't underestimate your abilities, that's your boss's job.
- Anonymous

Funny Quotes and Sayings about Life

People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
- Isaac Asimov

Save a boyfriend for a rainy day - and another, in case it doesn't rain.
- Mae West

She's been diagnosed as a paranoid hypochondriac. Doctors think she may be faking.
- Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid (1982)

Some people are so heavenly minded that they are no earthly good.
- Oliver Wendell Holmes

Stupid is as stupid does.
- Forrest Gump (1994)

Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself.
- Mark Twain

The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.
- Oscar Wilde

The four most important words in any marriage..."I'll do the dishes."
- Anonymous

The lack of money is the root of all evil.
- Mark Twain

The most important words in the English language
are not "I love you" but "It's benign."
- Woody Allen (Harry Block - Deconstructing Harry - 1997)

The only true love is love at first sight; second sight dispels it.
- Israel Zangwill

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
- Henny Youngman

The worst part of success is to try to find someone who is happy for you.
- Bette Midler

There's a couple of things they don't teach you in Harvard Business School, one is how to cope with defeat, the other is how to handle a shotgun.
- The Simpsons Movie (2007)

This is an occasion for genuinely tiny knickers.
- Bridget Jones Diary (2001)

To fall in love is awfully simple, but to fall out of love is simply awful.
- Bess Myerson

Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
- Anonymous

True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked.
- Erich Segal

We come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.
- Angelina Jolie

We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart.
- H. L. Mencken

What we got here is... failure to communicate.
- Cool Hand Luke (1967)

When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.
- Rita Rudner

When we remember we are all mad,
the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.
- Mark Twain

When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it's a sure sign you're getting old.
- Mark Twain

Whenever you find you are on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.
- Mark Twain

Why does a woman work ten years to change a man's habits and then complain that he's not the man she married?
- Barbra Streisand

Work is the curse of the drinking classes.
- Oscar Wilde

Yield to temptation. It may not pass your way again.
- Robert A. Heinlein

You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.
- Milton Berle

You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life.
- Winston Churchill

You know what? Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.
- Shrek (2001)

You want a friend in Washington? Get a dog.
- Harry S. Truman

Funny Life Quotes and Sayings

Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.
- Benjamin Franklin

Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.
- Dalai Lama

Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.
- Woody Allen

Life is like a sewer... 
what you get out of it depends on what you put into it.
- Tom Lehrer

Life is never fair, and perhaps it is a good thing for most of us that it is not.
- Oscar Wilde

Life is uncertain; always eat dessert first.
- Anonymous

Look your best - who said love is blind?
- Mae West

Love is a game that two can play and both win.
- Eva Gabor

Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired
. - Robert Frost

Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.
- Anonymous

Love is loving what your lover loves.
- Anonymous

Love is only a dirty trick played on us to achieve continuation of the species.
- W. Somerset Maugham

Love is what makes two people sit in the middle of a bench
when there is plenty of room at both ends.
- Anonymous

Love thy neighbor - and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier.
- Mae West

Funny Sayings about Life

Half the world is composed of idiots, the other half of people clever enough to take indecent advantage of them.
- Walter Kerr

Happiness is the china shop; love is the bull.
- H. L. Mencken

Heaven must be an awfully dull place if your best friends end up elsewhere.
- Anonymous

History is the version of past events
that people have decided to agree upon.
- Napoleon Bonaparte

Husbands should be like Kleenex: soft, strong, and disposable.
- Clue (1985)

I can resist everything except temptation.
- Oscar Wilde

I choose my friends for their good looks, my acquaintances for their good characters, 
and my enemies for their intellects. A man cannot be too careful in the choice of his enemies.
- Oscar Wilde

I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell - you see, I have friends in both places.
- Mark Twain

I feel the need to express something, but I don't know what it is I want to express.
- Interiors (1978)

I have a very low threshold of death. My doctor says I can't have bullets enter my body at any time.
- Casino Royale (1966)

I have faith. I just need proof to back it up. 
- (Joe - Simon Birch - 1998)

I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that!
- Tom Lehrer

I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose.
- Rita Rudner

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
- Rita Rudner

I truly believe that happiness is possible... even when you're thirty-three and have a bottom the size of two bowling balls. 
- Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason (2004)

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx

I'm awash in self-contempt! 
- Woody Allen (Lee Simon - Celebrity - 1998)

I've become the person I've always hated, but I'm happier.
- Woody Allen (Robin Simon - Celebrity - 1998)

If I had known what it would be like to have it all - I might have been willing to settle for less.
- Lily Tomlin

If you're going to tell people the truth, be funny or they'll kill you.
- Billy Wilder

INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.
- Anonymous

It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble.
It's what you know for sure that just ain't so.
- Mark Twain

It is better to be thought a fool, than to open one's mouth and remove all doubt.
- Mark Twain

It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

It takes a long time to grow an old friend.
- John Leonard

It's not the size of the dog in the fight,
it's the size of the fight in the dog.
- Mark Twain

Jealousy is all the fun you think they had.
- Erica Jong

Funny Life Sayings

Mama always said life was like a box of chocolates.
You never know what you're gonna get.
- the movie Forrest Gump

Marriage is a sort of friendship recognized by the police.
- Anonymous

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.
- Groucho Marx

Minds are like parachutes. They only function when they are open.
- James Dewar

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
- Woody Allen

Morality is simply the attitude we adopt towards people whom we personally dislike.
- Oscar Wilde

Most people enjoy the inferiority of their best friends.
- Lord Chesterfield

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates

My life has been filled with terrible misfortune;
most of which never happened.
- Michel Eyquem De Montaigne

Never interrupt someone doing what you said couldn't be done.
- Amelia Earhart

Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
- Mark Twain

No man is truly married until he understands every word his wife is NOT saying.
- Anonymous

Nothing is so common-place as to wish to be remarkable.
- Oliver Wendell Holmes

Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.
- Mark Twain

Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love.
- Charlie Brown in Charles Schulz' Peanuts comic

Oh, if only God would give me some sign. If He would just speak to me once. Anything. One sentence. Two words. If He would just cough. 
- Love and Death (1975)

Old age is fifteen years older than I am.
- Oliver Wendell Holmes

One man's remorse is another man's reminiscence.
- Ogden Nash

One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown
is the belief that one's work is terribly important.
- Bertrand Russell

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
- Groucho Marx

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